On the Injured Reserve List

Lately I've been out.
Out of the game.
Sidelined by a work related injury.  Yes, that's right a work related injury.

Take me away.  I'm OUT!

Work.  That's my injury.

At least that's what I've been telling myself.  I have been consumed by the megabytes of files that have been delivered to my overflowing inbox and have embedded themselves directly into my brain. I'm working ALL THE TIME.  My body is hovered over my laptop for 8 hours at the office.  My only breaks have been to refuel with the wonder of caffeine.  Occasionally my brain yells at my "Get up and go pee...it's time you moron, remember all that caffeine you've absorbed?!".
After I leave the office my evening is cluttered with domestic duties plus the evening shift to attend to all that work. I rush to the daycare, scoop up the wee girlie and head home.  Dinner is a hurried affair, there's a little kitchen clean up, a bit of toddler play as well as the occasional nod of recognition to my husband.  Between the hours of 6 and 9 I'm running between my home office & the rest of the house.  A little bit of domesticity here, a little bit of spreadsheet mastery there.  By 9:30 the wee one is settled, I've effectively said good night to hubby and I'm once again hunkered down in front of that glaring 17 inch screen for another consecutive FOUR HOURS.
At 6:30am the cycle starts again.

Sleeping?  No.  Just trying to make sense of the futility of it all.

Sidelined.  That's how I feel.  On the injured reserve list.

There has been little to no activity outside of my scurrying between different rooms in my house. For TWO WEEKS.  For someone who calls themselves a runner and is supposed to be training for the next big event, this SUCKS!  I could use stronger words, but let's just leave it at that. This workload is wearing me thin. Sucking up all my time like a monstrous vacuum. There is nothing left for me.  Like I said, sidelined.

Help!

So in the midst of all this work, I'm very angry that I have no ME time.  I don't have time to go for a walk let alone a 5k or longer run.  Somewhere though while thinking of all this work, doing all this work and being angry about all this work (well not really angry about the work, but how it's affecting other aspects of my life) I had a different kind of thought.

Is it really the work that's the problem?  Is my injury really work?

Squeezing out the lunacy!

No. It. Is. Not.  My injury is me.  I am my own injury.  I've let myself be consumed and driven by the work. I've made the choice to work these insane hours. I've made excuses, to myself.  I haven't let myself be active, and the more days that pass the harder it is.

One of my new favorite blogs is Shut Up + Run. Beth is a no nonsense, tell it like it is kind of gal. Her tagline is "It really is mind over matter. No excuses. Just do it!".  I couldn't agree more, and somewhere along the way I've forgotten this.
There's an inspirational running quote I found on FitSugar.com that I really like.

fitsugar - healthy happy you

On Sunday I took that first step.  And then another.  And another.  Until I had taken enough steps to log a 6k run.  While those first steps were hard, and the kilometers didn't exactly fly by, it felt great. Exactly what I needed to renew my spirit and re-energize my body.  It's a whole different lift from a caffeine high let me tell you!

So I've taken myself off the injured reserve list. I can no longer injure myself. I'm back in the game and determined to stay there. I may not always win, but as long as I give it a try I'll be content and satisfied that I'm working towards my personal goals.

Miss Independent (x 2)

"I wanna do it!"
"I can do it!"
"Let me do it!"


A small sampling of the phrases we hear from wee L. every day, all day! At almost 2 she is becoming an independent force to reckon with!! No longer will she sit quietly (well rarely) while I dress her. She must try to do it. Every. Time. Have you ever watched a little one try to put on socks? It's a fruitless endeavour for the most part. Neither the toes nor the socks seem to cooperate!  Let Mama help?  No way. It can be a struggle to let her let me help get the clothes on.  When I ask her to find shoes, L. typically goes for her rain boots because those she can get on all by herself!


This new found independence that L. is embracing so whole heartedly is hurting my heart a little. Where did my baby go? Those days where she totally depends on Mama are fluttering in the wind, ready to be blown away by the approaching storm of childhood. Well, I'll hope it's not an actual storm. Maybe a light rain shower mixed in with mostly sunny skies! While I am so totally amazed by the new things she does, says & learns every single day I find myself wishing I could slow down the process. Just a little. Not forever. A little more time to hold her close (minus the wriggling away so she can move on to the next fascination).


But I can't. And I know it. Her independence will grow & I will continue to be amazed at the wonder that is L. Before I know it, we'll be picking courses for university, choosing residences, shopping for household items to outfit her new place.  Wait, WHAT?  Slow down!!


The truth of the matter is these things I described above; they are actually happening.  Now. Talk about chaotic emotions.


Meet Miss Independent #1, or the Original MI if you will!  The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of activity with her as well. Come August my baby will no longer live under my roof. Seriously. I blinked and 19 years have gone by. Talk about a hurting heart! I can't believe it's time for this already. We might need to revisit my earlier thought about slowing down the process. For real. Could I have a bit more time? I'm not ready! A few more snuggles, nights spent under covers watching rom-com movies, trips taken just the 2 of us.  Please, can we do it all again?


We can't. 
M. no longer says "I wanna do it!" (well actually sometimes her requests actually do sound a bit like L's!!) she can do it. By herself. All the time! She is ready to take her next step just like L.


I better get ready because this isn't stopping.  And in all reality I do not want it to. Yes, it would be lovely to keep them tiny forever but they will always remain that way in my heart.  And as for that, it may be aching a bit right now but that will soon be replaced by that amazement that comes as I watch them learn & grow, the love I feel for them that only increases over time and my overall pleasure with having been blessed by these two unique girls.


But right now, I'm going to watch L. serve up "breakfast" in her playhouse while sipping my coffee that M. so graciously delivered!!  Independence isn't all that bad!

A mom by any other name...

Nineteen years ago I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl.  

In the beginning as she was discovering how to navigate her tongue through her first sounds she would call me "ma" or "ma-ma".  That didn't last very long.  As soon as she could, those 2 little letters morphed into the full-blown word "Mommy".  

I have heard many variations of this name over the years.  From the sweet innocent whispers of "mommy" as we cuddled close at night to the cries of "MOMMMMMYYY" choked out with her tears when she was hurt or scared.  Let's not forget the sarcastic, roll her eyes "MUUuuuMM" when I'm apparently doing something totally wrong or embarrassing.  And even now when she thanks me in her text messages for something I've done (or given in to is probably more the case) I usually get a "thank you mommy".  Just the other day as she was leaving the house to go out with friends she was halfway out the door, came back over to me, kissed me on the cheek and said "I love you Mommy". I had to pick my jaw back up off the floor after that I was so shocked. We have always been very outwardly affectionate but even so she can still surprise me at times!

I am Mommy!  For the better part of 19 years that has been the most frequently used titled associated with me!  I LOVE being MOMMY!  Even if my first born is getting ready to leave the nest.

Almost two years ago now I gave birth to another beautiful, healthy baby girl.  

To her I am "MAMA".  At first I wasn't sure how I felt about this.  I mean after all before she blessed us with her wonderful spirit I had been Mommy for 17 years!  Even my husband, who always refers to me as "Mommy" with my older daughter now calls me "Mama".  I hear "Mama, where are you?" and "Help please Mama".  And just recently for the first time I heard "I wuv you Mama!". Sigh!!


I am Mama!  I LOVE being MAMA!


Even though I wasn't sure about the name change at first, I told myself "It's just a word, just a name".  But the more I've thought about it the more this feels right.  I was 19 years younger with my older daughter.  I raised her when I was in a completely different stage of my life.  A young 20-something single parent trying to find her way in the world.  Now with my wee girlie I bring a lot more life experience to the table.  I've navigated parenthood, the dating game, the business world. I've been successful in most things I've done and when I haven't I'm at least proud & satisfied that I've tried.


I am different.  My daughters are different.  It's completely okay that I have two different but very similar titles.  It doesn't matter the word; it is the feeling, the sentiment & the meaning behind it.  The protector.  The teacher. The storyteller. The healer.  The comforter. The cheerleader.

I am Mommy!  I am Mama!  And I love it!

Hangin' out at YeahWrite again!!  Take a look at all the great posts!

Bootcamp, burpees & peeing my pants!

Several weeks ago I made the decision to join a fitness boot camp.  I am still not sure how or why that decision was made.  It must have been in the heat of the moment after an incredibly fantastic training run & I was still riding high on endorphins!!


Some of the things I have learned so far at my boot camp:

1. Sense of humor required.  Seriously.  Don't leave home without it.  I wouldn't make it through these workouts if I didn't laugh at myself!
2. I really do have muscles that I apparently NEVER use, or perhaps they were never meant to be used.  I can't decide which.
3. Pee before starting the workout.  This is very important! The emptier the bladder the better! I will explain later.
4. My vocabulary is expanding.  I've learned several new words & phrases I wasn't familiar with before.  Things like double-unders (fun!), kettle bell swings (more fun!) & burpees (the most fun!).
5. Ibuprofen, cool showers & ice are my new best friends!
6. Cliched as it may sound, hard work & perseverance really do pay off!

The boot camp takes place Monday evenings, outdoors in the quiet circle where a colleague of mine lives. I was told it takes place rain or shine. Kind of like the mail delivery! Okay, I can deal with that. Actually I don't know that I could deal with that and thankfully 2 sessions have been postponed due to horribly rainy & windy weather. It seems odd to me how happy I was about these sessions being cancelled given that I run outdoors all year long in scorching heat, rain, wind, snow, sleet, etc, etc.But the idea of getting down on the ground to pump out 50 push ups in the rain....not so nice!

Having never participated in anything like this before I went in with an open mind, willing to take on anything the trainer would throw at me. The trainer - let's call her Sarge - is blond, medium height & built like a rugby player.  She is one tough cookie & perfect to be leading us. She is a personal trainer, massage therapist & overall fitness aficionado. The best thing about Sarge is that she recognizes that each person is at different levels of fitness & overall strength and really tries to work each session to help every person there. Now that may be a ploy to make sure we all come back week after week, but hey, it works!

So session 1 opens up with a jump rope workout. Hurray! I can do this. I loved skipping when I was a kid. WRONG!  4 minutes of non-stop skipping.  Doesn't seem like much, but OMG!  Here's a little tidbit of conversation between me, Sarge & my inner-self as I'm skipping:
                Me (after about 20 seconds of skipping):  Ummm, so I feel like I need to go pee.
                Sarge:  Yeah, that's normal, it will get better over time.
                Me:  Like tonight? I really feel like I'm going to pee my pants.
                Sarge: <wicked laugh> It happens to the best of us!!
                Inner-Me:  Umm, I think I just peed a little.
                Skip, skip, skip.  Stop
                Inner-Me:  UH-OH!  I did, I just peed a little.
                Skip, skip, trickle, trickle, skip, skip...
                Inner-Me:  <screaming in my head> Is this going to STOP??!!??
I finally finish the 4 minutes of agony & ask my colleague if I could use her washroom.  I make a mad dash and once I'm all ready...NOTHING!  My bladder is now EMPTY!


All this took place in the first 5 minutes of the session! My inner-me is screaming "We are SOOOO not coming back again!!". The fun of the evening continued with sit-ups, push-ups, squats, a 35 lb kettle bell & a rowing machine. Sarge introduced us to something she calls 10's - a simple circuit.  10 sit-ups, 10 push-ups, 10 burpees, 10 skips, 10 kettle bell swings.  Did I mention the kettle bell weighs 35 lbs.  10 of each to start, then working all the way down to 1.
I should say now, that my most hated activity is the burpee.  Ha!  You thought I was going to say skipping didn't you?  No, even with the warmth & wetness added to the skipping activity, the burpee wins out for the activity that sucks the most!
Showering that night was a hoot, trying to raise my arms to shampoo my hair, and then to rinse, really, something for those home video shows I swear. By Tuesday evening my arms were better, but the pain had just moved into my legs!


Session 2.  Yes I did go back believe it or not!  There is no way this class or Sarge is getting the better of me!  This session was a roller coaster of fun as well.   


I should have stayed home!


Session 2 was all about the squats.  And not just any squats, but squats while you are holding a weighted pole across your body (can't say for sure, but it had to be 10-15lbs).  And not just holding said weighted pole across your body, but pushing it up above the head while standing up from the squat.  The goal was to do 25 of these little gems and then take 25 large steps, stop & proceed to do 25 more, take 25 steps, repeat, repeat, repeat until I had gone twice around the circle/street which is about 200 yards (so 400 yards in total). WHAT???  My muscles were already yelling at me to quick, sprint for the car & drive away fast.  But I didn't.  I did the squats, with the weighted pole & heaved it above my head....at least 200 times!  I could not do 25 at a time though - more like 10 - 20 at the most and it varied throughout the exercise.


After this session, I couldn't walk properly for FIVE days!!  I have never been in so much pain in my life.  Bearing children was easier I kid you not!


Sarge told me at the beginning that the ramp up period would be pretty quick. I actually believed her.  I mean after all I am a runner.  I am strong.  I lift my 30lb toddler on a daily basis several times a day!  Now, I'm thinking she lied to me.  But I return for Session 3 because really I think what could she possibly ask me to do that is going to hurt more than it already has.


Session 3 was better. Sarge didn't lie to me after all. I am feeling better about doing some of the activities that I didn't like so well. I'm much better at a burpee now! Our new activity last night was a lovely thing called a double-under.  Skipping.  Great!  I'm mentally preparing myself for wet pants. Happy to report, no peeing, so those muscles are apparently getting stronger too!  I did have to try at least 25 times before I finally completed one successful double-under (jump once but the rope goes under your feet twice).  Hard.  However, my 19 year old daughter who attends the boot camp with me was a ROCK STAR at these.  But then she's 19, fit & active always.  She seems to be a rock star at most of these activities! Oh to be young again.


There are 5 more sessions left.  I get a little nervous before each one as I'm just not sure what will happen, and how my body will feel they day after & the day after that & the day.....
But I make it fun. I laugh at myself both during & after the workout, ease my aching muscles as best I can & relish my progress so far.


Next up (as far as I've been told) is a workout with a hula hoop.  I think my wee girlie is about to get a hula hoop for a new toy so that mama can practice beforehand!!!

**Re: Sarge - I really love her!  She is a most excellent trainer & motivator!!

42 Things

When I named my blog journeyto42 I was referring to the challenge I've given myself to complete a full marathon.  Having 2 half marathons under my belt & the desire to keep going farther that seems the next logical step.


I was thinking about this the other day and while my goal is all well & good, what happens when I've reached it?  Notice I didn't say "if"...I do plan on achieving this goal!!  My Journey To 42 will be over.  The name of my blog will be meaningless.  I could change it I suppose, but I actually do like it.  Not too creative, but it's kind of catchy don't you think?!


So in an effort to preserve the longevity of the name I'm going to change gears a bit.  Instead of blogging about one 42 km goal, how about a list next steps?  You guessed it!  42 of them!  42 next steps for the future.

So here's my list of 42 Next Steps (in no particular order) which we'll affectionately dub "The 42":

1. Complete a full marathon.
2. Lose these annoying 20 lbs that continue to languish on my body (not their fault really, I've made it quite comfortable for them to stay!).
3. Cheer & clap loudly when I watch my oldest daughter graduate from university.
4. Be an inspiration to my daughters.
5. Plan & take a European holiday with my hubby.
6. Have another baby (I can't believe I'm putting this out in public!).
7. Complete a half marathon in under 2 hours (my current PR is 2:13).
8. Walk my oldest daughter down the aisle at her wedding (should she choose to get married).
9. Love & spoil some eventual grandchildren (but not too soon!!).
10. Write more!  This blog is a start.  I've always loved to write so whether it's for public or personal consumption I'd like to tune up my writing skills.
11. Show & tell my daughters how much I love them every single day.
12. Visit every province in Canada at least once.  So far I've only been to 2 - Ontario where I live & neighboring Quebec.  I've been to more US States! 
13. Wear a bikini.  A real one.  Not a tank that hides all the squishy parts!
14. Be a mentor in the workplace.
15. Complete a "Tough Mudder" or similar strength/endurance event.  I have my cousin Dan to thank for this little piece of inspiration!! 
16. Buy a sailboat.
17. Enjoy a long weekend holiday with my hubby.  It doesn't have to be far away, just the 2 of us, alone, enjoying each other's company.  Novel idea really!!
18. Go on a "girl's retreat" with some of my closest lady friends.
19. Visit Australia.
20. Take my youngest daughter to "the happiest place on Earth".  And so there's no confusion, I do mean Disney World!
21. Improve my gardening skills.  Currently the plants tend to shrink in the stores as I walk by to make themselves as unattractive as possible so I won't buy them!!
22. Learn how to properly back up a vehicle with a trailer attached.  You would think that I could do this given that we've camped with a tent trailer for years & I grew up on a fishing resort with many boats & trailers, but this is just something I can't do!
23. Become a better windsurfer.  I know how to do this amazing sport, but I'm a little scared, hmmmm, perhaps terrified is a better way to describe it, when I'm out in the deep water & don't know how to use the wind to get me safely back to shore.
24. Take additional professional development to help me in my career.  Currently that means to increase my knowledge of marketing, how to operate an effective marketing organization & track its success.
25. Show & tell my husband how much I love him every single day.
26. Get up earlier in the morning.  I am not an early riser.  I would like to rise earlier 2 - 3 days a week either to do activity (i.e. a morning run) or just have some quiet "me" time!
27. Reduce the amount of coffee I drink on a daily basis.  Ideally I would like to limit this to only one Tim Horton's coffee per day.
28. Open an RESP for my youngest daughter (and contribute to it regularly).
29. Take control of my health.  I'm pretty passive about this & only see the doctor if I absolutely have to.  I really need to be better about those annual appointments that are important for a woman my age.
30. Communicate more with my family (not my husband's family, my family).  We all have an on-again, off-again kind of relationship.  Not a close-knit bunch.  I will try to open up those communication lines more frequently so that we all feel the love!
31. Develop new relationships.
32. Finish those scrapbooks that I've either started or planned in my head.  Not the online kind either.  I have a room in my house that is filled with all kinds of scrapbook & craft paraphernalia that is dying to get used!!
33. Put a hot tub in the backyard.  Ah, that would be heaven!!
34. Attend my younger daughter's wedding (should she choose to get married).  This is separate for the same desire I have with my older daughter.  Given there is 17 years difference in their ages, I will be considerably older when my youngest is at this stage in life!
35. Volunteer in the community.  Not sure what form this could take, but something I've been thinking about for a long time.
36. Be happy with the life I've built & my accomplishments. I tend to be very hard on myself. There is no need for that!
37. Continue to teach my daughters that they are/will be beautiful, strong, independent girls/women who have the ability to achieve any dream or goal they set for themselves.
38. Work outside of my home on a part-time basis. This will involve ramping up savings and/or creating some other means of income.
39. Start playing hockey again.  I am a Canadian girl & LOVE hockey.  It's not too late to get back into it!
40. Push my boundaries & comfort zone.  Hmmmm....not sure where this will lead!
41. Further develop & then maintain a healthy lifestyle.
42. Connect & re-connect with friends.

Wow, that was a bit hard!  I'll update you on progress of these next steps over time.


Now for you.  Do you have a list of next steps?  What would you aim for?  What is most important for you to see, do, accomplish?  I'd love to hear about all those next steps, big or small!!

Postcard from a Small Town

This post is inspired by Mondays with Mac: Postcards from Parenthood Blog Carnival to give advice to new parents!  

Hi from Small Town Anywhere!


I'm from a small town.  Actually town isn't the right word.  I think where I grew up could accurately be described as a hamlet.  Yep, that small!  More cows than people I always said!


Small town living may not seem like it is for everyone.  You may have the same thoughts about parenting right now as well!  Caught you didn't I?  That's exactly what you are thinking.  Let me assure you...you are WRONG!


A few personal reflections on small town living.  There are some definite comparisons that can be drawn to parenting!


Secrets?  You get 'em?  Not any more!  In a small town, your business is out there.  It is talked about reverently (!) at the church social.  Little old ladies fuss about it over afternoon tea.  Oh yes, the "party lines" are buzzing with all the latest gossip about YOU!! 

Being a parent feels a little like that!  Everybody knows your business and worst of all has an opinion that they will share with you at any given moment.  You may feel useless, unworthy, wrong ALL THE TIME!  But do not fear my little mama friend as that is far from the truth.  The best advice I can give is to stand tall, be polite, but follow your instincts.  It's true. Lots of people have raised little ones.  But no one has raised yours.  You are the only expert when it comes to your own child. Who cares if grandma at the end of the block spread the word that you took wee Sammy off the breast at 3 months?  You don't...that is your decision & one you don't have to justify to anyone!


Small town residents are involved, very involved.  People are expected to contribute & help out in whatever way they can.  Not only that, but typically people WANT to contribute & help out.  Go figure!!  A small town doesn't run itself, it takes the efforts of the residents to build a thriving community.  You know those church suppers that happen periodically throughout the summer?  There was always great anticipation when it was time for "the lists" to be distributed.  I remember my Mom receiving her list of expected contributions.  I'm not talking a $5 generic contribution to support the event.  The "list" was handwritten & about 5 inches long!  It included things like "6 pies, 2 cabbages shredded for coleslaw, one large jar of mayonnaise, 4 jars of pickles, 1 jar of pickled beets, contribution to the "sale table", contribution to the "fish pond" and $10".  Wow!!!  There was never any question, my Mom just got it all together because that is what she did to help out.


Parenting kind of works the same way.  Yes, you are making the decisions on child rearing, providing as much love & support as you can, but let's face it!  At some point you will need a break.  Yes YOU!  Super Mom who will try to juggle it all; the kids, husband, house, pets, work, etc, etc.  Take advantage of that community around you.  They WANT to help.  Grandma would love to babysit.  Aunt Jean would love to pick up that forgotten can of formula at the grocery store.  Your best friend is there to mop your tears or when you need to vent.  It is important to realize that help is not over rated....it is exactly what is needed from time to time!


Small town living can really help reduce the stress of the everyday, hectic-ness that is life! Less hustle, less noise (except for maybe the natural noise of nature), no congested traffic filled streets to deal with.  Heck in my town there was only 1 Stop sign.  Two cars stopped at the sign in front of the local mini-mall (inside joke) was considered a traffic jam!  It can be so much more peaceful and really help you focus on what is important in life.


Guess what?  When the kiddies arrive you will feel exactly that way.  Your #1 priority will now be keeping that wee one safe, loved & comforted 24/7.  Hey, now that's not to say that your life will be stress free (I just don't believe that exists, there is always some type of stress).  However, it will be different.  


Small town or big you will build a life that is suited for you & your family.  You will do the same with parenting.  Be happy, make your own decisions & stand by them, engage your community & focus on what's really important.  YOU WILL SHINE - like all those stars in the clear small town sky!!!

Success is Suhweeet!!!

 

Success is Suhweeet!!!

This past Sunday I participated in my 2nd Half Marathon event here in lovely Waterloo.  What a race!  What a day!  I think I'm still riding high on my runner's euphoria!!

As mentioned, I've been training pretty consistently for the past 9 weeks.  A schedule has been taped to the front of my fridge for all in my household to see, so there would be no confusion as to when Mom was going to be running.  I was able to keep to the schedule for the most part with some minor tweaks here & there to accommodate both my husband's & my work schedules.

My original goal was to run the 21kms in 2 hours.  After a few weeks of training I realized I just couldn't ramp up that fast.  I try to be as realistic as possible.  To achieve that time I would have to run an average pace of 5:40 per km.  At the time, I was still over 6:00 per km.  Not that I don't want to shoot for the stars but I'm slowly learning what I can & can not do...both physically & mentally...so I try not to stretch the boundaries too far all in one shot!

My adjusted goal was to come in under 2:15:00.  I'm very, very excited to say that I BEAT MY GOAL!!! Woo - frickin' - hoo!!!  Official time was 2:13:11.  That was about a 6:19 pace!  Pretty fantastic from my point of view.

The course itself was beautiful.  Out in the country for the most part, lots of nice scenery.  Not to say it wasn't challenging. There were some long slopes to climb.  It was a gorgeous day, although the wind at the beginning was bitter & worked to slow me down.  The race itself wasn't huge, only a few hundred participants in the combined Half & Full Marathon events.  The atmosphere was pleasant & cheerful; everyone from the participants to the event staff were very friendly.  Overall a great race that I would definitely consider doing again!

What's next?
Well definitely another Half Marathon.  Ideally I would like to find one between now & the heat of the summer.  The Whitby International Marathon (WIN) at the end of May may be an option.
I'm also considering a 30km event in August.  The only drawback here is the season & heat as well as the 3 weeks of holidays prior to the event that may get in the way of training.  Still undecided on this one...but more than likely will end up joining my friend & "virtual" running partner Christine for this one as well.

For now, I'm going to savor my success! :-)